Alone
by CriesofCapricorn
Summary: A few musings written to demonstrate how, in the end, Buffy will ALWAYS be alone. Focuses on some main episodes from Seasons 4 through 7. Lyrics used belong to Green Day's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams."


_A few musings, (shown separately, but tying in a similar theme), to demonstrate how, in the end, the slayer will ALWAYS be alone. Spoilers for episodes in Seasons 5 through 7, with the exception of "Restless" from Season 4. The lyrics used are Green Day's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." Please feel free to post feedback, whether it is complimentary or critical._

**Post-"Restless"**

Walking the empty corridors of her home, Buffy holds on tightly to herself. She's still shaken up from those dreams. Her mind was invaded… by the first slayer, no less. It's a scary thought. "'No… friends. Just the kill." Those individual words worry her to the bone. No friends? What would her life be without her friends – her everything?

The desert. She was never big in Literature class, but she's sure that's symbolism. Striding down that lonely desert in her dream made her feel distressed, abandoned … truly alone. Slayerhood is tough … and uncertain, and incredibly frightening. Where will it all lead? Will she be glorified as the hero of the world, or forgotten and dismissed in the sands of time, like all the rest? She wants to renounce her vocation… it's not like she hasn't tried to before. But Buffy Summers knows it's her home … for better or for worse.

_I walk a lonely road  
The only one I that have ever known  
Don't know where it goes  
But it's home to me and I walk alone

* * *

_

**Post-"Fool For Love"**

Something's wrong. Deep in her hearts of hearts, she knew something was wrong. The Cat Scans. For one, for her Mom, to take Cat Scans, something serious must be happening. God, she feels like an impatient child, anxious for answers that might soothe her apprehension. Buffy agonizes over the startling news her mother gave her as she paces the random streets. They're void and abandoned at this time of night. That's how she feels sometimes. No, no point in thinking about herself now of all times.

And Spike? She doesn't even want to consider it. She saw him… moving toward her … as if to ki – no, that'd never happen. It couldn't. Or else it'd reassemble the whole theory about the evil and good detesting each other. And then he showed up at her place and patted her shoulder … She can't think of such a thing – she'll lose her mind for sure if she gives it another second of thought.

She envies those who are sleeping. Unaware of this world's hazards. Carefree of their own personal problems. She'd kill to be those people. Alas, she continues ambling on, fearful that if she might sleep, the nightmares will surely come.

_I walk this empty street  
On the Boulevard of broken dreams  
Where the city sleeps  
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

* * *

_

**Post-"Into the Woods"**

And what is this? Boyfriend number two? three? Gone. She ran. She ran like never before – so much faster. But by the time she arrived, Riley was already in the midnight sky. And all Buffy could do was watch him leave her.

It was her fault; she realizes Xander was right all along. She treated Riley like the rebound guy, like he had no effect on her. In the back of her mind, she thinks she's considered Riley a substitute for Angel. And like her relationship with Angel, she imagined, hers with Riley would be good for awhile, but it'd end… just like the last one. She never considered he could be the one. He gave up so much for her and she never even took notice of it. She thinks, in some way, drove him to the vampire … brothel … or whatever the hell it was.

And now she's by herself, again. She imagines if she looks down, she'll see her shadow with crouched shoulders and a broken figure. She hates herself for having been so shallow … and now that is the only thing remaining with her. Her world's crumbling. It has been for awhile. And so she enters a nearby chapel (something she hasn't done in years) and prays for someone to find her – prays for guidance. She needs it.

_My shadow's the only one that walks beside me  
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
'Til then, I'll walk alone_

* * *

**Post-"Forever"**

No, it can't be happening. She could not have watched her mother being buried into the ground. But she did. In any case, she could not have possibly thought her mother was raised from that burial. However, she remembers Dawn performing some sort of spell … Buffy's so perplexed. Torn between reality and fiction. She honestly doesn't know anymore. She can't even recall if Angel came to visit. Or was that just another wild musing of her mind. Was it something her soul yearned for so much that it actually occurred? It couldn't be it. If that were true, her soul would have conjured Joyce into the Summers' home to stay for good.

Dawn fell asleep in her arms that night. She looked just like a child. And she was … she was someone Buffy had to take care of now. She doesn't think she can do it.

After tucking her into bed, Buffy wipes the spilt tears from her cheeks and sits outside her home. And despite her earnest attempts to prevent it, she holds her head in her hands and finally steps over the border line of the edge – and acknowledges the recent horrors of her reality.

_I'm walking down the line  
That divides me somewhere in my mind  
On the border line of the edge  
And where I walk alone

* * *

_

**"Weight of the World"**

"'I killed my sister.'" She knows she did. She didn't really intend for it to happen but… things don't turn out the way you intend them to, right? She wanted it to be over. She was so … tired. Physically, her muscles couldn't take it much longer. But mentally, mentally she had already given up. Of course, she would grieve Dawn's death and everyone would give her sympathizing looks … but at least it would be over. Relief. Peace. She doesn't want a fight – only an end.

Puzzled and exhausted, she's trapped herself in this little game of hers. Memories. Dozens and dozens of memories from as far back as she can remember. Overlapping, repeating themselves, and everything in between. The one second in the Magic Box where she realized it was a lost cause. The golden day Dawn was brought home. The tombstone in her living room. Her heavy hands holding on to the pillow pushing onto Dawn's face. She really couldn't tell the fact from fiction apart. She really didn't care.

Willow tells her in her catatonic state that she's alive. All Buffy needs to do is awaken and fight. But just because Buffy has a beating heart, by all means, doesn't mean that she's alive.

_Read between the lines of what's  
Fucked up and everything's all right  
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive  
And I walk alone

* * *

_

**"The Gift"**

Buffy Summers didn't walk the last green mile toward the edge of the tower. She ran it. She ran toward it, like she couldn't wait for it to really happen.

Swiftly, and poetically, she drifts toward the glistening pool beneath her. And in that moment she feels as if she's flying. She recalls the day she was first brought to the circus as a little girl. She watched the flying acrobats with the most intent eye that day. And she's flying herself. It feels like she's floating on air.

She hits the immense pool of energy and, she knows, she feels serenity. Dawn's safe. Her friends are safe. She doesn't consider this a sacrifice. And thus, she goes silently into that good night.

Buffy Summers ran the last green mile alone, the way it was meant to be. After all, she had figured out the answers to all those prayers and she couldn't be more relieved about it.

_I walk alone  
I walk alone  
I walk alone  
I walk a...

* * *

_

**Post-"Afterlife"**

A façade. That's what she's putting on now. Forlorn and taciturn, she couldn't tell her friends what really happened. It'd kill them.

And so she walked the alley of the Magic Box alone that day in the bright golden sun. Finding her shadow, she sees how small it is – tiny, really. Almost non-existent – the way it should have been.

She wishes someone like Giles could find her and she could be frank with him – he'd understand. He always did; father-type and all that. Instead she finds Spike. And to her own surprise, she tells him everything. She's needed to confess – couldn't keep it in. She feels his eyes full of bewilderment on her as she walks away, back to face them.

A façade – it's something she does for her friends. Her friends who tore her out of the only place she felt she belonged. Heaven. She was in Heaven.

Now she knows what the first slayer meant … a slayer without friends… she'd be better off. Friends only cause pain. She's never felt so lost.

_My shadow's the only one that walks beside me  
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
'Til then, I'll walk alone

* * *

_

**Post-"Entropy"**

Destruction. Deception. Damaged and desolate. That's life.

Secretly sleeping with Spike was a big mistake. Look what happened from it. Spike and Anya. Xander, enraged, the most she's ever seen him. When have things begun really falling apart like this? It pains her when she can't ascertain the answer. The truth is, it's been like this for too long and now everything just blends together. She can't even pinpoint the moment the destruction all started – there were just so many secrets. She couldn't keep up with them.

She meanders through the cemetery – hoping to find some arisen vamps – she's really in the mood to do some serious ass-kicking. Much to her disappointment, no one appears. Looks like everyone but her can rest peacefully tonight. Except Xander, she imagines. He's probably doing God-knows what – in fact, she's afraid to think what her best friend might be doing in such an instance.

Destruction – the epitome of the actions taken in the world. Well, at least, it can't get much worse…Right?

_I walk this empty street  
On the Boulevard of broken dreams  
Where the city sleeps  
And I'm the only one and I walk a…

* * *

_

**Post-"Empty Places"**

They kicked her out. The people she's known, for what seems her entire life, threw her out of her own home. Her friends – what she calls family, her sister, and all the others didn't trust her anymore. They didn't believe in her. And, honestly, she didn't believe in herself. Her earlier plan hadn't been the best – she had gotten two girls killed and Xander's life forever changed.

Faith followed her outside – probably to apologize. But Buffy couldn't even look her in the eyes. She only tells her to lead them and to protect them – try and do something Buffy couldn't accomplish.

She notices the streets are all empty. Everyone in this town has left it by now. She's long wished, for years, she could do the same thing. Just leave things behind. But she's done it once and it wasn't very successful.

And so she walks alone trying to sort out her many thoughts. She's lost, again. Alone, again. But this time around, she truly wonders if she'll be found again. She wishes for it – with eyes shut tight, long and hard.

Often times, though, wishes don't come true. She's wished for far too much and God can only grant some things. She's alone, once more. Like all times prior to this... like it will be all times after this. It will always be this way. The slayer walks the last mile alone. She's learned that by now…

_My shadow's the only one that walks beside me  
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
'Til then, I'll walk alone…_

**First Slayer: We… are…alone!**


End file.
